From roughly the ages of 16 to 25, I couldn't stand myself. There were, of course, periods where everything aligned and the river flowed nicely out of myself and into the air around me, but for the most part, I wanted desperately to crawl out of my own skin. I tried about as hard as any Scorpio can try (which is pretty hard) to eliminate myself, in various ways. I tried not talking to anyone, I tried writing down on paper over and over again how despicable I was, I tried literally starving myself (that was fun), moving far away from people, and so on.
I realize now that I wasn't becoming clear, which is what I wanted-- all that shit just made me dark and sludgy, which only made me want to disappear further. I thought I was killing my ego, but I was only feeding it.
Because there are many disciplines which focus on the dissolution of the ego. From everything I've seen and heard, it's a marvelous, refreshing experience. My artistic hero, John Frusciante, talks constantly about nothingness, emptiness, channeling spirits. The Tao is all about naturalness, the empty cup.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I now think happiness will help you fit into the currents of the air, not sadness. I could've said this at any point growing up, but I wouldn't have believed it. Anyway, it makes me want to apologize to all my friends for all the times I thought I was being humble, but actually I was being a self-absorbed little shit. I'm sorry, everyone. I promise to try and channel light for myself and for all of you from now on.
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