Oh heavens, I am well and truly sick. My head is a veritable swamp of mucus.

So it occurs to me that control is a human invention. To say that everything is under control is that everything is artificial, stilted, jammed, and a whisker away from going completely disastrous. If you really wanted to reassure someone, you could tell them that nothing is under control, because then everything is flowing smoothly and nicely along their natural lines. Nobody with any kind of agency (and therefore greed) has a say in the show.

To try and direct things is to set yourself up for failure. What you can do is look where things are going, or where they want to go, and ride along the top of that like a surfer. No surfer would ever try and tell a wave to move away from the shore. He or she acquiesces to the larger movements, the larger forces, and so travels much faster than is ordinarily possible. If you get really good at it, you look like some sort of genius force of nature, but really all you're doing is riding waves.

I Remember Summer

And love, it would seem, is a skill.

I walk through these summer nights with you

Telling you about my favorite mystery,

Of a cherry petal snowfall

In the hottest days of June

There are some voices, some singers

Who can pull you through time into

A faded and dusty aching feeling

Through the decades you go spinning backwards

Open your heart, it's about to begin

And listening to the radio by the open window

You beam out your purity to the stars

And the unimpeachable feeling

They had it right, it's like white lines

Of rain slashing through a dry night

And if someone did it once,

They did it for everyone, we have all succeeded,

We are all sent reeling, we are all caught up,

And nothing, no nothing can stop us now.

Confession Time

Looking back on it now, I realize:

From roughly the ages of 16 to 25, I couldn't stand myself. There were, of course, periods where everything aligned and the river flowed nicely out of myself and into the air around me, but for the most part, I wanted desperately to crawl out of my own skin. I tried about as hard as any Scorpio can try (which is pretty hard) to eliminate myself, in various ways. I tried not talking to anyone, I tried writing down on paper over and over again how despicable I was, I tried literally starving myself (that was fun), moving far away from people, and so on.

I realize now that I wasn't becoming clear, which is what I wanted-- all that shit just made me dark and sludgy, which only made me want to disappear further. I thought I was killing my ego, but I was only feeding it.

Because there are many disciplines which focus on the dissolution of the ego. From everything I've seen and heard, it's a marvelous, refreshing experience. My artistic hero, John Frusciante, talks constantly about nothingness, emptiness, channeling spirits. The Tao is all about naturalness, the empty cup.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I now think happiness will help you fit into the currents of the air, not sadness. I could've said this at any point growing up, but I wouldn't have believed it. Anyway, it makes me want to apologize to all my friends for all the times I thought I was being humble, but actually I was being a self-absorbed little shit. I'm sorry, everyone. I promise to try and channel light for myself and for all of you from now on.

Humor LAWL

This is ripe for abuse if anything is, it's PETA's blank template for "cruel" KFC signs:

http://signgenerator.kfccruelty.com/index.asp

And here are some I came up with:

(Bonus audio version of the last one! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxeOmD_nVrM)

Not-Quite-Night-Yet

Here, read this hilarious page, it's fandango:

Twilight Parody

It's All Happening Now

What a strange day. I woke up with one of those strange hangovers, the ones that make me feel happy and calm and clear and loving. I felt harmless and helpful.

I should have known, though, that when I feel unprecedentedly strong, that's the universe's cue to present me with a new challenge. In this case, the suddenly-unavoidable need to find a new place to live.

I had been, I think, quietly asking the universe to make this necessary for me for some time now anyway. "Well, it's not so bad," I would say, and it wasn't. But it also wasn't ideal. It was toxic and depressing in a lot of ways. I wasn't doing my best, afraid to be complete. I was falling into a vaguely miserable, but comfortable rut. So my conscious was saying, "It'll do," while my subconscious was saying, "Make it impossible for me to remain as I am, please." And now my wish has been granted.

Which means that it is time to rock and roll on all levels, as I did when I first moved to this city June 1st, and again at the end of that summer.

The first step, I think, is to get rid of all superfluous physical items. Goodwill is about to get some stuff. Oh man, this feels scary and refreshing at the same time.

Open heart, open hands, open mind.