Suggested Alternative Praxes for Dissatisfied Satan-Worshippers:

Hail Santa: in which you do obeisance to the original Jolly Old Elf, kowtowing at his coal-black boots while a chorus of malignant elves keep up a steady sotto voce rumble of "Ho ho ho".

Hail Seitan: a malevolently smiling, lightly dreadlocked lady with a nose ring lets you in to a modest vegetarian restaurant, the ones that have those glossy, black, easily stacked chairs. After a perfidy-whetting glass of water, you prepare to pay honor to the most evil of meat-substitutes, sitting on your innocent-looking ceramic dish.

Hail Satin: walk into your local craft store, past the microscopic beads sold in packs of 60 and the variously segmented constituent parts of dolls, until you reach the flat folded bolts of cloth. Keep an eye out for the distinctive frayed ends of true satin, which should clue you in to the verisimilitude of the fabric-- from there, it is a simple step to fall to your knees in what ideally should come across as a combination of reverent awe and grotesque, infernal glee. In such cases it is considered polite to shout "Pepe Satin, Pepe Satin Aleppe!"